Goodbye 2011

This has been my favorite year. 

A year to remember. 

Blessed. Renewed. Loved. 

If I gain nothing else, I'm content with the abundant blessings

I've already received so undeservingly. 

Choose Him, and watch your life transform. 

Sincerely,

Stephanie 

Let Go and Move On (Completely)

Have you ever convinced yourself of something, but it's not completely true? In order to overcome anything, you must give it your all; not 25%, not 50%, but everything. If you know something will never come back, that it's gone for good, you have to let go. Letting go is one the hardest things for me to do. I tend to hold things close to my heart and keep them there, despite if they are good for me or not. Letting go and moving on go hand in hand; unless you do both, you're never really setting yourself free of what was lost. You can move on, but never completely let go. You can let go, but never really have moved on. But at some point of crossing those two, you have to really ask yourself what's best, and what do you need; rather than what you wish for. I've come a long way, but still face tiny gaps that I never got around to filling. Whether I beat around the bush, or just flat out bring up long lost things, I know that it's probably not the best thing for me. Hello checklist of improvement, here's one I forgot to tackle: "Letting Go (completely)." 

Hello 2011

New Year, here I come! :D

Goodbye 2010

Well, 2010 is coming to a close. Rather than the typical New Year's Eve party, I decided to stay home and celebrate with my Madre! (We throw a killer two-man party. ) This year has been one to remember. It's been the biggest turning point in my entire life. As much as I'm sad it's coming to an end, I'm more than happy to start a NEW year. 2011, here I come!

My 2010 memory wall.

A New Chapter

It's time for a new beginning. Out with the old and in with the new. My past is gone, and it will never replay itself. I can't go back in time, and I can't change anything. Coming to realize this fact is true, I've been able to finally move forward to the next chapter. So I turn the page of old, and get my pen ready, because it's time for something fresh. After the Thirsty retreat, I've really felt like I need to start over, and that's exactly what I'm doing. I poured out my weaknesses and guilt, and even though I had known God forgave me a long time ago, I wasn't ready to forgive myself. I know in a lot of things we must forget to forgive. But in some things, we may forgive, but we can't forget. I don't think I'll ever forget the pain I once held deep within. It must be used as a constant reminder of what straying away feels like. Each time I feel the sting of the past, I get my comfort right away from God, and everything is okay. So I took advantage of that opportunity to pour my heart out at the foot of the cross, and now I have nothing holding me back from totally pursuing my Creator. It's a wonderful feeling. I often sit in my bed now and just cry tears of joy. I'm so thankful, and I'm not ashamed to say it. I'll shout it out to the world, and let it be known of my rescue and how great God is to me, and all who follow His path. I'll never achieve perfection, and I don't aspire to. This love, this fire can easily die out if I don't maintain it. I don't think I can go a day without talking to Him. I have so much ahead of me, and I no longer want to think too much into the future; I just want to focus on what He was for me today. Don't lose sight of the opportunities given everyday.

 I used to always wonder and daydream, and there's nothing wrong with that. But when it starts to determine your daily decisions, and how you feel, it has to be taken care of. I want to live each day with eternal gratefulness. I never want to lose this closeness. People come and go, but my Father Christ is always by my side. I want people to see that joy I have, given by Him. I read a poem recently that really made me think, and just be taken away by the way things can turn out when we let Jesus take the wheel. The poem was written in the perspective of Christ talking to His children about finding true love. I fell in love with it, and it all makes perfect sense. Until we are totally and completely satisfied and in love with Him, will He allow us to experience the "Perfect Love" He has planned for us. To be honest, I totally believe that we are meant for one person. That destiny does exist. I also believe that we often ruin the plan, and the pathway to that person when making our thoughtless decisions, and fall for temptation. We rush too quickly at the first sight of "possible" love, and lose the chances of "real" love. I mean, I don't know what is good for me, and what is out there. So I'll let Him bring the right one to me. In the right time. For now, I have other things to worry about. Like what I can do in my day and age to spread the great news. Yeah, newness is in the air, and it's bringing with it a sweet fragrance.

The Perfect Love

(author unknown)

Everyone longs to give themselves completely to someone to have a

deep soul relationship with another to be loved thoroughly and

exclusively. But God, to a Christian says:

"No, not until you are satisfied, fulfilled and content with being loved

by Me alone -- with giving yourself totally and unreservedly to me --

with having an intensely personal and unique relationship

with Me alone. Discovering that only in Me is your satisfaction

to be found, will you be capable of the perfect human relationship

that I have planned for you. You will never be united with another,

until you are united with Me -- exclusive of anyone or anything else,

exclusive of any other desires or longings. I want you to stop planning,

stop wishing, and allow Me to give you the most thrilling plan existing --

one that you cannot imagine. I want you to have the best. Please allow

Me to bring it to you. You just keep watching Me, expecting the greatest

things -- keep experiencing the satisfaction that I am. Keep listening and

learning the things I tell you.

You just wait.

That's all.

"Don't be anxious. Don't worry. Don't look around at the things others

have gotten or that I have given them. Don't look at the things you think

you want. You just keep looking off and away up to Me, or you'll miss

what I want to show you."

"And then, when you're ready, I'll surprise you with a love far more

wonderful than any you would dream of. You see, until you're ready

and until the one I have for you is ready, until both of you are satisfied

exclusively with Me and the life I prepared for you, you won't be able to

experience the love that exemplifies your relationship with Me, and this

is the perfect love.

Tears of Love

"There are days when one feels no love. When your efforts have been put to waste, and all that's left is a bitter taste. When all of them have gone astray, You my Father guide the way. I hate to say I only come when in need, but that's just apart of my human greed. I seek out the wrong, and pretend to be strong. I fake out a smile, and wait a while. They have failed me, and I have failed myself. I wanted to shine, but I shadowed instead, the scene plays over when I lay in my bed. This ache and pain, so real and deep, haunts my dreams so I can't sleep. I've wore out this welcome, and my name is now known. I sit in my presence, I'm with them, yet I'm all alone. My voice is silent, but my soul is screaming. I'm living life, when I want to be dreaming. I've clouded the view of a long time ago, and made sure that no one would know. I've loved and lost, and paid the cost. Death is inviting, as life is enlightening, the battle to live is what we're constantly fighting. Why did he leave us all behind? These are the answers I'm trying to find. I'm broken and sad, and this is kind of a cliche story, but somehow my Father, you will receive all the glory. Until Your plan has taken place, I will move forward and wipe the tears off my face. I pray that this burden will soon go away, so I can stand tall and face the day. You make me strong and I have no doubt, these are the reasons I praise and shout. Amen."- November 8, 2010 


That was my prayer about the burden I carried. I needed to be waken up from this nightmare of constant pain and doubt. I sealed shut my emotions, and thought that by doing so they had evaporated. You may be able to fool them into thinking you're okay, but God see's right through your plastered smile. At the Thirsty Retreat this year, we were given the opportunity to pour out our sins and burdens in the form of a water bottle, at the foot of the cross. I had never felt so broken and in need of inner peace. I was screaming in my soul, begging for the feeling of freedom, and the weight being lifted off of me. I'm not ashamed anymore of crying, for crying reflects true emotion. And as we poured the water out of those bottles, I let go of my guilt, and shame. As much as the water represented what God was doing in releasing me of my sins, it was the tears that made me feel like I had been cleansed. The tears that had built up from anger, sadness, turmoil, fear, it was time to let go of all of them. It never felt so good to cry. With two of my sisters holding me tightly, a Savior answering my prayer right in front of me, and two hundred other souls all around me that had all come together for this one moment, I realized God knew what He was doing when He let me go through everything. This release we hunger for, this love that we strive for, this forgiveness we can't find anywhere else. That's why this is amazing, and great things are happening in the hearts of adolescents all over. I know I'm here to contribute to the Kingdom, and I will do so till the end. My fellow friends, family, and random strangers, you too can be set free, and understand this indescribable feeling. All you have to do is believe. I am willing to be wild. I am willing to be whatever He wants me to be <3 Won't you too? 


The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
Psalm 34:18