My Testimony: Beautifully Broken

In the midst of this world, through the pressures of adolescence, in the darkness of sin, I overcame. 

I was born in a Christian home, with loving parents, two brothers, and drenched in God's word from birth. Over the years, it became just another story to me, like Cinderella or Peter Pan. I always asked myself, "Why does it matter if Jesus died on the cross?" It didn't make any sense. I grew up believing, but never really seeking Him out in my life. High School came along and I was introduced immediately to the reality of sin. I became so consumed with the idea that I needed to get the approval of my peers, and it didn't matter what the cost would be. I lived in a family with rules and morals but the way my school friends lived contradicted my family's ways. As a result, I found ways to live the way I wanted and also make my family happy. It was a double life on so many levels. At school, I was rebellious against my parents and did and acted however I wanted. At church, I was the sweet, innocent Stephanie, who was so good at "playing the part" of a Christian.  At home, I was the good daughter, that obeyed and made my parents "proud." When it came to God, I avoided all communication and pushed away His commandments. I knew that He wouldn't approve my ways, that my hypocrisy and double life was a sin. I wasn't ready to own up to my sin, therefore; I ignored Him and had no fear for God. Big mistake. I thought I was having fun, I felt like I was getting what I wanted, and it all seemed like one big bad dream. In that dream, I was never one person, never real; instead I was fake and worthless. Deep down, I felt empty. To the world, sin is a way of filling the voids in our hearts, temporarily. There were many gaps in my heart, but because the Holy Spirit was alive in me, I knew that God was the only way I could be satisfied. He whispered in my ears, "I have a better plan for you, let go of this life..." I heard, but I wasn't listening. I continued to ignore it. I found more and more ways to feel temporarily satisfied. I was becoming numb, from overdose of artificial love; fake approval. Little by little I gave away my heart to the world, and thought I passed the point of no return. I thought God was gone. I thought I had sold my heart to the world and there was no getting it back. I was completely numb to everything. But no matter how much Satan told me that lie, I was always God's child, and like the sheep and the Shepard, He wasn't going to leave me astray. In that bad dream, He woke me up. He revealed the truth and I had to face all my demons. No lie had gone unheard. I felt like my heart was ripped out of my chest. They saw who I was, what I'd become, all of it, not just what I told or showed them. I had nothing left to cover up the truth. No lie to hide a lie to hide a lie...just the truth. God shined His light over me and my sin was revealed. I chose the world, but God chose me. He saved me from my path of destruction. I was afraid—I thought I couldn't face it alone. I wasn't alone though, my family, as broken-hearted as they were, reflected God's love when they forgave me and held my hand through it all. I cried out on my knees for the Lord to hear me, to help me through this. I had nothing holding me back, not even the weight of sin, just a broken heart desperately in need of God, and God alone. It was the most beautiful thing to be broken at that moment. Although I was ashamed, I was free. Nothing could compare to that freedom. I learned humility, I learned what the fear of God meant, but most importantly, I learned why it was so important that Jesus died on the cross. While I was part of the world, overtaken by my sin, God knew thousands of years ago that His daughter would fall, and sent His son, so that she may be saved. I was saved. Since then, I pulled myself out of public school, and enrolled myself in homeschooling. I did that because I needed no distractions, and I really wanted to find myself again, with God being the only influence. I needed to fix myself, before I could be used to help others. I felt a lot like David, as I could relate to his cries to the Lord when I read the Psalms. But even as troubled as David was, and how bad he fell, God used him tremendously. It took time, but God put His healing hand over me through surrounding me with Christ centered support from friends and family. This past summer, I went on a mission trip that radically changed my life and opened my eyes to the greater purpose in life—to glorify God and share the love of Christ through my life. I really got involved in church and deeply fell in love with God. I used to want the approval of the world because it made me feel good, but now I only seek the approval of the one that matters, because He makes my life great. If I had a choice to go back and live like I used to, or continue to choose a life for Christ, there's no question what I'd choose. I've never been happier and more excited for what God has planned. He's already used me to impact girls my own age and people who want to take that step in faith to change. If God can save me and love me after who I was, then He can surely love anybody, unconditionally. God opened the door for me to become a part of my church's youth ministry, and also contribute with my love for film and making videos for the church. God's given me the gifts that I can now use to my full potential and glorifying Him. All I got to say is, no life is in comparison to the one God has planned for those who choose Him. Although I was broken, He mended my brokenness into something beautiful.