Let Go and Move On (Completely)

Have you ever convinced yourself of something, but it's not completely true? In order to overcome anything, you must give it your all; not 25%, not 50%, but everything. If you know something will never come back, that it's gone for good, you have to let go. Letting go is one the hardest things for me to do. I tend to hold things close to my heart and keep them there, despite if they are good for me or not. Letting go and moving on go hand in hand; unless you do both, you're never really setting yourself free of what was lost. You can move on, but never completely let go. You can let go, but never really have moved on. But at some point of crossing those two, you have to really ask yourself what's best, and what do you need; rather than what you wish for. I've come a long way, but still face tiny gaps that I never got around to filling. Whether I beat around the bush, or just flat out bring up long lost things, I know that it's probably not the best thing for me. Hello checklist of improvement, here's one I forgot to tackle: "Letting Go (completely)." 

Becoming Me

I remember when I was too afraid to step out of my comfort zone, and be myself around people. I remember when I would wear Hollister and Abercrombie to fit it. I remember when I was a follower, and imitated the TV, and pop songs. I remember wishing I could be where I am today, who I am today. Not a day goes by that I don't realize who I am and what I have. I remember just a year ago dreaming of feeling free, and doing the right thing. I remember it being a dream, and now it's come true. I can't just keep living wishing for more, and not thanking God for what He's already done in my life, and how much He's blessed me far beyond my imagination already. Now, I no longer dress to fit in, or want to be accepted by society. I want to be me, and fulfill my dreams. I've been set free, and now nothing holds me back from completely living out what I was called to. I get so happy when I think back to how much I've grown since the times of wishing I could be myself. I am me. Stephanie. A silly, outgoing, obnoxious, creative girl; who is also extremely sensitive, serious, and very understanding. I no longer seek out the approval of mindless unimportant judgment, but find my joy in pleasing the one who matters. Although life gets hard, I doubt myself, and struggle like all humans; I have the best support system in the world. Yeah, it's important to be thankful. I'm a very thankful girl.

#5 Read 24 Books In a Year

Hello reader! I continue my quest to accomplish every item on this ongoing goal/bucket list. One of my goals was to read 24 books this year. Reading not only enhances our vocabulary skills, opens our imagination, but it furthers our understanding of different perspectives. I love getting into a book, and reading for hours. This may sound really lame, but I read with a dictionary right next to me, so that if I pass a word I don't know, I learn what it means. I like to learn new words. Here's the two current books I started early this month!
Check it out:


5. Read 24 books in a year
The Chris McCandless story is possibly one of my favorites. I just found out about it last year, and heard there was a movie. I usually like to read the book first, so I got the book. It's called "Into The Wild" by Jon Krakauer. Let me tell you, this true story about the journey of one man in search of his soul is truly fascinating. Most people will go on vacation to get away, or get into hobbies. This guy, on the other hand, went all out. "In April 1992 a young man from a well-to-do family hitchhiked to Alaska and walked alone into the wilderness north of Mt. McKinley. His name was Christopher Johnson McCandless. He had given $25, 000 in savings to charity, abandoned his car and most of his possessions, burned all the cash in his wallet, and invented a new life for himself..." The book was written by a writer who became insanely intrigued by his story, and it contains many of the real journal entries from Chris (Alex was the new name he gave himself). His story is remarkable, and I thought it was admirable, where as others might think he was insane. I find it cool that he didn't want to live the normal American life (considering he was pretty wealthy and very educated) and chose to find himself in the wild. I've learned that life isn't all about the human relations we build, but living life itself in all its beauty is much more fulfilling. 
"It is true that many creative people fail to make mature personal relationships, and some are extremely isolated. It is also true that, in some instances, trauma, in the shape of early separation or bereavement, has steered the potentially creative person toward developing aspects of his personality which can find fulfillment in comparative isolation. But this does not mean that solitary, creative pursuits are themselves pathological.... [A]voidance behavior is a response designed to protect the infant from behavioural disorganization. If we transfer this concept to adult life, we can see that an avoidant infant might very well develop into a person whose principal need was to find some kind of meaning and order in life which was not entirely, or even chiefly, dependent upon interpersonal relationships."-Anthony Storr (Solitude: A Return to the Self) This was the intro to one of the chapters, and I absolutely love this quote. I too sometimes feel like my creative mind gets in the way of my relationships and normal understanding of people and the world, often thinking much deeper into things than the average Joe. Over all, it's a great book and story, and I can't wait to watch the movie. I definitely recommend it.

Next on the list, is "Healing for Damaged Emotions" by David A. Seamands. It was published in 1981, this book to me is ancient because I still remember being a little girl and seeing this on our book shelf at home and thinking it was such a weird looking book. Recently, I saw it again and thought, "hey this could actually be relevant for me now!" And let me tell you, it has been. Pastor David goes in depth of the process of the healing of our hearts, and the procedures we must take  to do so. Some damages need much more attention and effort, than just the simple praying and living accordingly. The things no one likes to talk about, the scars deep down that so many live without even recognizing. I truly love how well he demonstrates stories that are relatable, and relevant to everyone. It gives so much scripture to turn to, to find places in the truth where we can find answers. It teaches how to forgive, how to move on, how to deal with the unchangeable etc. I recommend this to anyone who wants to overcome something, or just to understand that certain damages need more than the typical Christian dose of "I'll pray for you" and "everything will be fine, you just have to move on in life." It's a great book. 

Hymn For The Missing

Another post with lyrics. I can't help it, this song is one of my new favorites.


Hymn For The Missing- Red
I tried to walk together
But the night was growing dark
Thought you were beside me
But I reached and you were gone
Sometimes I hear you calling 
From some lost and distant shore
I hear you crying softly for the way it was before

Where are you now
Are you lost
Will I find you again
Are you alone
Are you afraid
Are you searching for me
Why did you go I had to stay
Now I'm reaching for you
Will you wait, will you wait
Will I see you again

You took it with you when you left
These scars are just a trace
Now it wonders lost and wounded
This heart that I misplaced

Where are you now
Are you lost
Will I find you again
Are you alone
Are you afraid
Are you searching for me
Why did you go I had to stay
Now I'm reaching for you
Will you wait, will you wait
Will I see you again 

Be Strong

You know that feeling deep inside you, when you're faced with a fear and have no way out? It's a pretty scary place to be. I can fool everyone into thinking I'm strong and don't need anyone. But even I, as fooling as I may be, have my childish fears. It's those instances, those moments, that really test my faith and how much I can handle. As a kid, I was scared of the dark till I was nine. Not only would I have two night lights on, but I'd also leave my door open and my parents door open, just in case the bad guys would come. As silly as all that was, it's the fears we obtain growing up that make me that scared little girl again. Whether it's encounters with certain people, obstacles we dread to face, our fears for getting hurt; they all can leave us short for completely living freely and living out the way we'd like, or God would like. But in those moments, those trials, those slices of life, is when we really need to look up and say, "You can get me through anything." No human, no situation, no words, nothing, not even life or death can take away the power Christ has over everything. You may pray for strength, and to not be afraid, but God will give you opportunities to be strong and face your fears. Each little battle won, is just a bit of courage we build in our hearts to tackle anything. Hand in hand with the Lord, the world shall be defeated. We have nothing to fear but fear itself.


The LORD is my light and my salvation, whom shall I fear? The LORD is my stronghold of my life, of whom shall I be afraid?
Psalm 27:1


When I am afraid, I put my trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust and am not afraid. What can mere mortals do to me?
Psalm 56:3-4


So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Isaiah 4:10


A side note: 
The song "You Are More" by Tenth Avenue North, was recently presented to me by a friend and it has touched my heart. If you haven't heard it, I recommend it! It's in my playlist all the way at the bottom of the page. We can all find something to get out of it. It's a reminder of what's been done for us, and how me must never forget that. Here's the lyrics:


You Are More- Tenth Avenue North
There's a girl in the corner
With tear stains on her eyes
From the places she's wandered
And the shame she can't hide

She says, "How did I get here?
I'm not who I once was.
And I'm crippled by the fear
That I've fallen too far to love"

But don't you know who you are,
What's been done for you?
Yeah don't you know who you are?

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

Well she tries to believe it
That she's been given new life
But she can't shake the feeling
That it's not true tonight

She knows all the answers
And she's rehearsed all the lines
And so she'll try to do better
But then she's too weak to try

But don't you know who you are?

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

'Cause this is not about what you've done,
But what's been done for you.
This is not about where you've been,
But where your brokenness brings you to

This is not about what you feel,
But what He felt to forgive you,
And what He felt to make you loved.

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

You've been remade
You've been remade.
You've been remade.
You've been remade.

#6 Do Devotionals Everyday

Hello Blogger. I haven't posted for a while, and well I guess you can say I've been taking a vacation from my normal social life. I think we all need to take breaks occasionally from our routine lives. When you step back from people, technology, and distractions, you leave much more room to learn new lessons and find so much more about yourself, that you wouldn't have just walking through the repetitive stages of life. You need to set aside time for what really matters. I've really been taking my Bucket/Goal List seriously, and have started to really accomplish a few on it. One that I really am happy I started to do was #6. 
Check it out:


6. Do devotionals everyday
I've learned how to let more God in, and more of the world out. Meditation in the word, and a dialogue with our Father is crucial for growth. I've learned to make time for Him no matter what the agenda is. To be honest, I am blessed with tons of time on my hands being home schooled. So, I'm taking advantage. I am learning a lot, and turns out I have a lot of areas that need improvement. I will never reach a stage of perfection, and I'm okay with that now. You can say all the right words, and convince yourself and the world that you are trying to improve, and are truly seeking Christ thoroughly. But it's so much more than just speaking the words, and acting the part. It's dedication, an open mind to learn and accept that we can't obtain all knowledge on our own, and will always need guidance. James 1:3 says, "For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow." We're constantly being tested of our faith, left and right. It's how we react and how we handle situations that really proves our faith, and makes those words actions. Lately, I've been applying the first chapter of James to my life frequently. "Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. Human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires."(James 1:19-20) Not only is that verse amazing, but so relevant for all our lives. It's part of my instincts to want to defend myself and say whatever comes to mind, when a friend, stranger or even family says something I don't agree with. But each time I react based on how I feel, usually with frustration, it leads to quarrel and distress. In contradiction, every time I handle a situation with keeping my mouth shut, and listening to what the person has to say, and really just thinking before I speak, the outcome is a winner. You can learn a lot from just reading and memorizing scripture. 

Change

I've never been one to like change. But for the first time, I'm allowing myself to be open to anything. I've realized that nothing I plan or think is permanent, which is why I put all my faith in Christ to show me the way. No matter how hard I try to figure things out, and predict my future, I know it will be nothing I expected. If my life did go by MY plans, it will probably be boring compared to the alternate fate I would occupy following God. He has bigger and better plans than I do for myself. I'm opening my mind and my heart, and completely following His guidance with pure faith and meditation in His light. It's a beautiful way to live. So when I get caught up in my angst, I am sweetly reminded that as long as I follow my own path, joy will never be accomplished. I'll hold on and brace myself for a life I can't even imagine. Change is in the air, something new is coming. This chapter in life is reaching its full potential. It's time for something new. 

Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.

Hebrews 11:1

My Bucket List

Okay, so I made my goals for this upcoming year of 2011, but I want to make a new and improved Bucket List/ Goal List for my lifetime, some are near future, and some are far. Here it goes...


1. Eat something I've never ate before✓
2. Do a random act of kindness, everyday
3. Grow my hair to my hips
4. Get famous on YouTube
5. Read 24 books in a year (two a month)
6. Do devotionals everyday
7. Discover new music✓
8. Be content, completely
9. Get a job✓
10. Make someone smile✓
11. Go snorkeling/scuba-diving
12. Swim with dolphins
13. Visit someplace new✓
14. Make a scrapbook
15. Write a novel
16. Get a legit filming camera
17. Go to film school
18. Go back to Australia
19. Be nice✓
20. Spread love✓
21. Finish my documentary
22. Be a great friend✓
23. Not lose my identity✓
24. Start a drawing business
25. Exercise, frequently✓
26. Live like Jesus
27. Go to Europe
28. Learn to breakdance
29. Keep up with my blog✓
30. Not be consumed by people
31. Help deliver the gift of Salvation to someone✓
32. Meet LIGHTS (again)
34. Learn to let more people in✓
35. Get my license
36. Save someone's life✓
37. Master saying the alphabet backwards
38. Be a good sister✓
39. Become a leader✓
40. Be an example✓
41. Eat healthy
42. Go to college
43. Survive adolescence
44. To see one of the Seven Wonders
45. Swim in the Ocean
46. Forgive.✓
47. Create a Skype account
48. Make a dance video
49. Ride a gondola in Venice
50. Witness an Eclipse
51. Host Saturday Night Live
52. Learn to skateboard
53. Go on a cruise
54. Go on a missions trip to a third world country
54. Inspire someone✓
55. Expand my vocabulary
56. Learn parkour
57. Spend New Years at Time Square, New York
58. Meet the love of my life
59. Follow my dreams
60. Go on a hot air balloon
61. Go zero gravity
62. Go back to Disney World
63. Write a song✓
64. Get my work in an art gallery
64. Have a full conversation with a telemarketer


19/64 Completed


(This isn't the end of it, I will continue to add to it!)

Attitude

I know what I have to do to climb this wall. Now it's up to me to put forth the effort to embark on that journey. To overcome my fear of being happy. To truly indulge into what my God has to offer. My misery towards the cruelty of this world shall not over power the beautiful life that Christ will shine through me. I will be the light in this dark world that I want to see. It all starts with the proper attitude.

"The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life.  The remarkable thing is that we have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day.  We cannot change our past.  We cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is plan on the one string we have, and that is our attitude.”

“I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it.  And so it is with you…we are in charge of our attitudes.” Charles Swindoll

Angst

Life is cruel. People are as trustworthy as penguins. I have no idea what that means, but it's supposed to mean they are very unreliable. The moment I reach mere happiness, I'm set back to complete unhappiness. I've realized that I can never find happiness in people. They can temporarily give me some endorphins for a smile, but my heart's hunger for joy will never be satisfied with these blood-suckers. I often runaway in my mind to a place where no one exists. No one to impress. No one to hurt, or get hurt by. No one to get over. No one to watch, or be watched by. No one to criticize, or judge. No one to love, and no one to hate. Absolutely no one. And although I frequently visit this other realm, it's also a very lonely place. And as I sat there in my loneliness, I asked myself, if I could have one person on this entire earth there to keep me company, who would it be? I couldn't even find one person. This is all because of my realization that I don't need anyone to be content. These days, I walk through the stages of adolescence, and observe all my peers. The theme in this modern age of teenage years is "finding love." To be honest, it makes me sick. We can't help it, but when you actually try to help it, everyone just looks silly. All these teens "falling in love" and just so desperate to be noticed, and loved. Boys after girls, girls after boys. I mean how many heartbreaks does it take to learn love doesn't only come with repeated trial and failure? It's possible to find your future husband through dating 50 men, but seriously? Each person we give a piece of our heart to, and trust, is just an open door for complete disaster. Trust issues, temptations, heart-ache and many other things must be taken into account of the consequences of being quick to fall for someone. I mean come on people! Real love comes on its own, without us hunting it down like hungry pigeons for bread. I am totally positive that someday, if it's in His will, God will bring me the right man. I have to keep my word, and stay faithful to that. As I do so, everyone doing their own thing just looks like a joke to me. I get impatient, and want to press fast forward, but I know that I'm not ready for such a commitment. I have to enjoy life on my own, before I can dedicate the rest of it to share with someone else. I want to escape so badly lately. I want to go somewhere else in the world. To see something extraordinary. I want to escape from this unpromising scenery, where money is what we live for, love means sex, drugs mean happiness and people are all objects for our own benefits. Unfortunately, we live in a world of sin, and it will be like that till He comes back for us. Till then, my angst is something I have to defeat, and somehow I'll find the good in this world. As much as I've wanted to abandon this life, I know there's more to it than the surface we see everyday. Keep on living, and watch joy enter when staying faithful to the Lord, and all His promises. 

But in all these things we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Romans 8:37-39

Hello 2011

New Year, here I come! :D