Back On Her Feet

Just For Now 

Written November 6, 2011

For now she cries

For now she weeps 

For now she's hopeless

and loses sleep 

For now she's lonely 

For now she's blind 

For now she's angry 

And losing her mind 

Her "for nows" 

Will become "back thens" 

Her waking moments 

Will be "remember whens" 

Because then she'll fly

Then she'll soar

Then she'll find

And search no more 

Then she'll feel

Then she'll see

Then she'll know

What was always meant to be 

From tears came joy

From hurting came healing 

From being numb

She experienced true feeling 

Back on her feet

She takes a look behind

Thankful she'd found 

What she was trying to find 

Sincerely,
Stephanie

Fuel

Greetings. 

First post of the year! 

"Hey, Stephanie. I have a question. What am I supposed to do with leftover heart-ache and pain?" 

Valid question, my friend. Here's the thing; I will never gussy up a lie and make it look like the truth. I will say it how it is, for what it is. You're a human. Humans are very significant and intelligent beings with phonemail qualities. But we're also pretty pathetic and naive sometimes. We're contradictions. I'm not trying to bash what you are or anything, because remember I'm human too. If I've learned anything in these adolescent years so far, it's that you have to push through. The greatest thing you can do for yourself is to be real with yourself. By throwing out the line, "I'm okay. I'm okay. I'm okay. I'm okay..." over and over it loses it's meaning and you use it as an automatic response when your defenses kick in. But really, are you okay? I used to pretend that I was just dandy. I didn't want anyone to see my insecurities and fears. But living like that is like living in a battle between yourself. Some things can go away completely. Some scars do heal. Unfortunately, most of the time they don't heal completely. And while you feel fresh and new one day, what will you do in a week when you look down and see the remnants of a once deep and painful scar? If you can't completely get rid of it, how can you prevent ever feeling this way again? You have two options: 1. Surrender and throw yourself a pity party. Cry about that guy/girl you lost, dream that died, friend that betrayed, words that stung. That's the easy way out, yet it's completely not easy at all. Or you can do option 2. Use it as fuel. It took me a long long time to get good at this, and I'm still working at it. Whenever the past would creep up and try to bite me, instead of running away from it, or blocking it out by replacing it with another pathetic temporary solution, I would face it head on. Back to being human. Honestly, without the Lord I could never have been able to be strong enough to tackle it. Each time I got that icky feeling in my heart, I took it and made something out of it. I used my pain as fuel to become resilient. Before you know it, you get stronger each time to face each battle the day throws at you. There is hope. God is the only real solution, but the best solution doesn't always mean you'll never be faced with struggles again. In fact, a lot of times it's past demons that will try and eat you up long after you thought you've happily moved on. You have to be aware, take precautions, but also enjoy life and don't be afraid to deal with what may seem unbearable. He can help you. Don't let your pain go to waste. Use it as fuel. 

Sincerely,

Stephanie 

Goodbye 2011

This has been my favorite year. 

A year to remember. 

Blessed. Renewed. Loved. 

If I gain nothing else, I'm content with the abundant blessings

I've already received so undeservingly. 

Choose Him, and watch your life transform. 

Sincerely,

Stephanie 

Bittersweet

Pause. When life is moving fast and moments pass, we barely take a moment to stop and embrace what we just lived. I long for a great future, to be used for the Lord, to find love someday, to become a strong and inspiring woman. I have dreams and have left room for the uncertain. I often am always looking ahead of time, and occasionally stopping to look into the present, to really soak it in. Sometimes, it's painful to look back into the past. There's things we were more than happy to say goodbye to, or maybe didn't want to say goodbye to. There's feelings we've tried to burry underneath the layers of time and new horizons. Sometimes, all we want to do is look forward and forget where we came from and how we got there. The hard things we go through stick more than the good. But on those occasions where my happy side overrides my pessimist side, I look back because I want the good to live on. It's like going through an old album. Moments that were captured to bring back the smile that once was. I tell myself to disregard where that person or place may be now, in order to remember just what was in that exact time. The smiles, the laughter, the hugs, the kisses, the dreams, and the unforgettable memories. We can either choose to ache that they're not here anymore, or be thankful that they ever were. Because it's the sweet collection of all the bittersweet moments that led you right here. I wouldn't change who I am now, or where I am. I mean that whole heartedly. I don't want to re-live what was. I just want to remember it, smile, and continue to make more of those moments. 
Your happiness depends on how you choose to look at what was, what is, and what it will become.
Sincerely,
Stephanie 

One man's trash is another's treasure...

There's two kinds of people in this world; men and women. 
Ladies, this one's for you. 
We're a very distinct breed. Different interests, tastes, aspirations, dreams... but we all have one thing in common. Every one of us longs to be loved and desired. (I know, Steph, I've heard this a magillion times!) Hang on girl, don't be so quick to being cynical. It's apart of our nature and who are we to try and deny it? Lately, I've been noticing the heartbreaking enormity of girls completely fallen in "the trap." 


th·e t·ra·p [the-trap]
noun, singular 
      1. A deceiving and dangerous state of being where one has fallen for a lie that a person (or the world) has told  them and a false truth becomes their reality. 


Woah! Sound familiar? Almost all of us have fallen, or are falling, for it in some way, shape or form. 
Websters may not have it in their book, but in the metaphorical book called "The Human Girl" we're fairly familiar with the term. What does it look like? Good question. 


Image. 
From wee toddlers sitting in our 'rents laps, innocently observing the television, we find ourselves introduced to the world  of media beauty. "Beautiful, gorgeous, hot etc." are all subliminal messages hidden behind the advertisements and movies. The least harmful program or commercial was actually doing some more serious harm down the road. The moment our eyes connected what beautiful is to the world with our minds the image was forever implanted. It wasn't an instant poison to death, but the kind that slowly kills the little self-confidence we have. You can't run away from it, it's just how this world is. And so, we carry on growing up. As tweens we're immediately hypnotized by the pop-star world and each fall in love with a cheesy sitcom. Nothing wrong right? Think again. The poorly structured storyline and ridiculously lame dialogues aren't what keep us wanting more. No. It's the pretty faces and trendy clothes that have us hooked. If Hannah Montana had looked like Whoopi Goldberg, would we have idolized her so much? The real false reality in those shows is NO ONE LOOKS LIKE THAT EVERYDAY! When we try so hard to mock, or imitate our fave icon, we say "why can't my life be as fun and exciting as hers? Why can't I look like that?! She always gets the cute guys. Why can't my hair look that perfect?" Girl. Stop that! 1. They have a script that some dude wrote for them! Of course that boy has such a big heart and knows all the words to say, it's most likely a GIRL wrote his lines! 2. They have makeup artists and hairstylist aka their own salon at their fingertips! 3. That's not reality. It's realilies. (re-a-la-lies) Don't make that the example of how your life should look. We both know our problems go much deeper and can't be solved in 20 minutes. (not including all the commercials) The TV, magazines, movies, etc. are screaming at the top of their lungs "THIS IS BEAUTIFUL!" And after repeatedly being exposed to this cruelty it magically, carefully, un-noticably became reality. Just like that, we lost sight of truth before we could see at all. 

Boys. 
Maybe you're not obsessed, maybe your hormones haven't kicked in, or maybe you just have other things on your mind...but I guarantee at some point, before, now or in the future, you will want one. My friends know me to be one that hates chick flicks. "Gosh Steph, you're just totally not normal and clearly not connected with your feminine side." Pshh, as if. I drool over those things! It's so hard not to be completely infatuated with the stories, the guys, and the "happily ever afters!" And then we girls see the guys portrayed in the movies, and BAM! Our definition for beautiful male has been created. From Prince Charming to Noah from the Notebook, we all have a dream dude. It's been said that chick flicks are like porn for girls, and I completely agree. Where does your mind go when you watch them? It's surely not a healthy place to be. In fact, it's dangerous to toy with desire and longing...especially when it's someone who isn't even real. Not to mention, drooling over a guy is totally a double standard us girls don't usually take into account. They can't call girls hot, but we can call guys hot? Another blog, for another time... back to topic. These movies and songs only add to the natural passion and longing us girls already have designed within us. The problem is, they lead us to longing for the wrong kind of love. So many girls will try and take bits and pieces of their favorites songs and films and do everything they can to make their life a story worth telling...a dream come true, a happy ending. Chasing after their dream tale, by chasing after a boy. 

ch·a·sing [chey-sing] 

noun

3.

to follow or devote one's attention to with the hope of attracting, winning, gaining, etc.: He chased her for three years before she consented to marry him.

Or in other terms; text, call, text, text, anonymous status that's obviously about you,  text, song lyrics that are about you, text, voicemail, email?, text, WHY WON'T HE TEXT ME BACK?!?! Text. I give up....text...are you ignoring me? Text. "Oh hey, I was in the bathroom." Text. It's okay!!! :) :) :) What's up?!...no reply...text. Hello? 

Yeah. You know what I'm talking about. See, if you're a girl who's been in a relationship or whatever you consider a relationship, you know the pains of not being in that relationship anymore. It's tough. If you're a girl who's been insecure, lonely, frustrated with self-worth, confidence, image and attention, than you're easily prone to fall in the boy trap. The first boy that comes along and tells you you're beautiful can have the power to steal so much more than your heart...we lose dignity, hope, friends, time, worth and our bodies to boys that took a young girl's dream as an invitation into their pants. But you may be a girl who's wounds are deeper than that of which are on the outside. Abused physically, emotionally and mentally. And while a bandaid can cover a scar, it's no telling what pain lies beneath the fabrics. Maybe it was your father, a boy in class, your boyfriend, the guy you lost your virginity to, the one who broke your heart... at some point we're all exposed to some form of male cruelty. Not saying all men are these evil beings, but that this world is taken by evil and Satan will use what we're prone to most to destroy who we are by telling us what we're not. Lies. Tattooed on our flesh are words we can't run from. We remember the bad, and disregard the good. Because how can 50 people telling me I'm beautiful, block out that one person that called me ugly? What is it? What am I? WHEN DOES IT ALL COME TO A HAULT?! I just want to be loved. I want these stupid memories to be erased. I want to feel whole. I want someone to say "Hey, _______ you are the most beautiful girl in the ENTIRE WORLD and no matter what you've heard or done I love you and every inch of you. I want to be your forever and I'll never ever leave you. I'm yours and you are mine. " (I should be a screenwriter for chick flicks--sarcasm) But seriously. We say, "I'm afraid of love now. I'm crippled with fear of this world and anyone that can harm me more than I've already been hurt in the past. There is no hope." Can you resonate at all with this? If so, keep reading. 

Truth. 

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. We love because he first loved us.
1 John 4:18-19

Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God.
1 John 4:7

You are altogether beautiful, my darling; there is no flaw in you.
Song of Songs 4:7

But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
Romans 5:8

"Why am I like this?" It's not a curse, but a blessing. You, girl, are perfect. 

per·fect

  [adj., n. pur-fikt; v. per-fekt] 

adjective

4.

entirely without any flaws, defects, or shortcomings: aperfect apple; the perfect crime.

5.

accurate, exact, or correct in every detail:

In His eyes. "Okay, okay. Cool story bro. I hear it all the time! I'm beautiful and perfect to God, but I know all this, why don't I feel it?" Because. A long time ago and angel fell. And in his craftiness he promised to ruin your chances of being happy. He would do anything, and he did, to make you fall for the lie long before you had the discretion to do otherwise. He fed you lies and used situations and people to convince you you are not beautiful and you are not loved. Why does he want to do this? Because if we don't believe the lies, then we believe the truth. And while it may sound awful and scary and hopeless, something else remarkable happened a while back. Remember God? Yeah well, He sent His son to literally die, feel human pain, sorrow, rejection, humiliation...so that we can be saved. He knows the suffering in our hearts as well as in the flesh. He's been here and been tested just like we have. But the beauty in grace is that it makes life not fair. We didn't deserve Him from the start. But He loved us so much that He saved each of us and since has been trying to win our hearts over again. My challenge is this. I can tell you you're beautiful, quote scripture and talk about it all day. But it's you that will either choose, or not choose, to believe the truth for once. 

tr·u·th [tr-u-th]

noun

You, yes you, ARE beautiful. And you're loved by the one that really matters. 

Will you choose to believe it? Because once you truly ask God to relieve you of the baggage of this world, the feelings will follow. He'll make you new. He'll make you true, He'll make you YOU.

Sincerely,

Stephanie 

A Poem~

Love In Our Veins 

Written Oct. 25, 2011; to our unsettling desire for love

Alone, alone, feeling so alone 

Trying to find happiness while being on my own 

Trying to fill that desolate gap 

Only to find it was a deceiving trap 

A longing to have more

Crafted in our core 

For what is this dismay?

To throw all hope away

And so it's dubbed a curse 

Not an obstacle but worse 

Why do we feel this way

Have we no say? 

And so we carry on

When all hope is gone 

Like a bird in the sky 

Never to say goodbye 

Pretending to be blissful

While secretly being wishful 

Is it a sin to feel emotion, 

To pursue loves devotion? 

As warriors in the night 

Facing death in absence of light 

We would jump in the grave

For love to be saved 

Why such a hopeless romantic? 

So quick to be frantic 

Do I not possess enough?

To please the seller of love 

In the depths of my despair 

Alone, yet You were there 

To tell me I was wrong

To sing me loves Sweeter Song 

Love was an overflow 

This love I always longed to know 

Had been there all along 

While my resistance was so strong 

My walls on the floor 

Freely I gasp for more 

So thankful for Your adoration 

My one incredible inspiration 

Love made by the Creator 

An enthralling tale written by Our savior 

Name engraved in His hands

Blood shed for all man

That is love a lover must give

That is life a human must live

Heart filled at an overflow 

Yet abundant room for more love to grow 

Sincerely,

Stephanie

in·di·vid·u·al·i·ty

Individuality. What is it? 

in·di·vid·u·al·i·ty

noun, plural -ties.

1.

The particular character, or aggregate of qualities, that distinguishes one person or thing from       others; sole and personal nature: a person of marked individuality.

Hmm. So pretty much it means being nothing but yourself. Interesting concept considering our society's conforming pattern. There was a time when I used to dress, talk, act and think like everybody else because it made me feel like I "fit in" or belonged. In all honesty, I didn't know much better. How could I be myself not even knowing who myself is? We begin to believe that what we're attempting to be is actually who we are. That the music on the radio is really what we enjoy, not taking into consideration why we like it or what it even is. We wear clothes regardless if we truly like them thinking we do because they think they do. And so it's a cycle amongst our peers crafted by media and not-so-great role models inventing our generation of adolescents. That being said, it's pretty much like our lives our being controlled really. By choosing their ways, or what we tell ourselves is ours, we are ultimately becoming slaves to their rules of whats and hows. It's kind of like a disease or an infection. It spreads to everyone until we're all a bunch of confused humans coughing out our petty excuses of why we don't dare to be different. At some point I became too sick. The infection was taking over my heart and soul until the name on my credit card became just a number. No more Stephanie. I was now 1550797707. A statistic. And as I charged my credit card and wasted more of my identity to purchase more of my conformity, I became utterly ill. Until I hit bankruptcy, loosing all of me, I needed to get a loan. With nothing left, I found everything I ever needed in someone besides the world. At the peek of my mastery of becoming what they wanted me to be, He offered me a different rout. It was a dark and narrow path my GPS system never showed me. I had a choice between two worlds. I was bruised and weak from being completely overtaken by my illness that I had nothing to lose anymore by choosing the less appealing path. After all, what had they done for me besides take who I was away from myself. And so I walked towards the narrow road of mystery and possibility. It was a new feeling. Even though it wasn't what I was used to, I felt this warm and freeing stir of emotions I'd never once encountered in my entire walk of life. All of the sudden things that once were so important became minuscule and pointless. It was time. The beginning of a quest to find my identity through the One who gave me an identity to begin with. I didn't know who I was in an instance. Before becoming an individual, you have to do a major detox. Remove all the old ways of thinking and clutter, to make room for a whole new world. I had no idea what I was getting myself into walking down that unfamiliar yet extremely familiar path. I had no clue of everything that was in store for me down that road. After my spiritual shower, I was cleansed and ready for a new beginning. A new me. As I grew closer to Christ, I found out more about myself; things I never knew. I learned about interests I never knew I had. I learned about style that reflected my inner-self and creativity rather than what's common in the public eye.  But most importantly, I discovered the strengths and passions that were crafted in my being for a specific purpose. I would have never even tapped an inch of all that I've found had I kept walking through the crowded streets of despair. All I ever wanted was to belong. What I got instead, was an eternal place that I not only belong to, but was made for. I gained truth of who I am through the truth of who He is. Before my turning point, they were  in control and I was just a follower. Now, I'm still a follower, but I follow a greater cause bedsides myself. A follower that leads and an individual that thrives on being nothing but myself. That's individuality. 

Standing up against the tide, and choosing to be the one you were 

created to be. 

Sincerely,

Stephanie