Goodbye 2010

Well, 2010 is coming to a close. Rather than the typical New Year's Eve party, I decided to stay home and celebrate with my Madre! (We throw a killer two-man party. ) This year has been one to remember. It's been the biggest turning point in my entire life. As much as I'm sad it's coming to an end, I'm more than happy to start a NEW year. 2011, here I come!

My 2010 memory wall.

Imagination

Intro to the story...

The innocence of childhood is a beautiful thing. It’s the harmful nature of growing up that destroys that innocence, and shatters that beauty. It’s something I’d give anything to get back. A child can dwell and believe in their imagination, when the reality they live in fails them. We were all once children, therefore we were all once innocent. Born with the ability to close our eyes and dream. But at one point of walking through life, we forgot how to enter our worlds of imagination. It’s almost like we lost the key, and didn’t bother to find it. It’s evident that the poison of growing up, steals that gift we were given. Not only is that door now locked, but it doesn’t exist. Have you ever tried to go back to the days of fantasy and dreaming? I guarantee you can’t see it the same way. It’s because your mind has been filled with what the world has placed in it over time. Your imagination is a dusty book on the shelf of your conscience. And even if you opened it, it’s just a story now. None of it feels the same. It’s a shame that our worlds had to disappear with age. 

Now and Then

Some things will never change. No matter how much time passes by, there are certain bonds that will consistently forever stay the same, and only grow with the years. I had a pleasant surprise visit me this last few days, my cousin and other half, Rachelle. Since we were babies we have been tight as can be. Possibly the only friend I've kept from childhood. There was only three girl cousins in the family, and the rest were all boys. Jenn was a lot older than us, so it was me and Rachelle that were super close. We played everything together, took baths together, had hundreds of sleep-overs, played dress-up, laughed together, annoyed the boys together, we just did everything together. In time, we started to no longer dress the same, and get the signature haircuts. Our true identities, and inner beings started to reveal themselves as we experienced life in our own ways. We were becoming our own person. Although we were apart, we still kept each other close to our hearts. I hadn't spent time with her in ages. This last weekend was very special to me. Both of us our encountering the peaks of our adolescence, and facing reality and the struggles that come with it. 

For the first time ever, me and Rachelle cried together. Although we've built so many cherishable memories, it was there on the floor, holding each other tightly, that out shines all the rest. It doesn't matter what or who we've become, to each other we are still that little girl we used to play house with. I looked in her eyes and re-lived my childhood. I got to feel a part of me that I thought was lost with the new that replaced it. It was still there, dusty but alive, deep in my memory where I had left it. My innocence may not exist in it's once vibrant colors, but the ever glowing memory shines in my heart, where I will keep it forever. The memories we make will last forever, the good, or the bad. We still played dress-up, we still had slumber parties, we still annoyed the boys, we still laughed together, but this time, we remembered together. After all, there's a kid in all of us. 

Communication Deprivation

Okay, so in honor of school and all school related things, I de-activated my Facebook for approximately four days. I wanted to focus on my studies, and have no distractions. It worked. I wasn't too heart-broken to get rid of it, but it was pretty sad when my automatic response to getting on a computer was going on Facebook. How I see it is, there once was a time when phones didn't even exist, and people survived. Now we have phones, texting, emails, cell phones, Facebook, Twitter, instant messagers, fax, paging, etc. As much as all those are handy, convenient and come to great use, they also destroy valuable time. "You should read books more, and draw more," said my mother, and she's right! My New Years resolution is to spend less time presenting my life through cyberspace, and actually living it! It was funny to see how many calls I got the past few days, it's like I died or something just because I'm not on Facebook. There's nothing wrong with social networking, when it has it's limits. The lovely Lisa Fillmore explains the Facebook theory in this post, "Facebook or No Facebook, this is the question."She's got it down like funky town. So, we use it for good things like encouraging and connecting. But anytime ANYTHING becomes an idol, well it must be limited or cut off. Facebook, we will re-unite tomorrow. Christmas break is finally here! Wishing everybody a safe and happy holiday!


But those who trust in idols, who say to images, "You are our gods," will be turned back in utter shame. 
Isaiah 42:17

Leap of Faith

Life changes instantly. It gets so frustrating when you think you have it all figured out, and your plan is set to go, and then you get a lovely reminder that you have no control. I watch people's lives that I know change instantaneously, some gradually, and watch as mine does too. Growing up there's the changes we don't even realize, the beauty of aging. Then there's the BAM moments, when life throws the most random thing into your life. I sometimes despise those sudden changes. What's even more frustrating, but also soothing, is God knows what He's doing when He allows situations, and you to go through things. Because as soon as we become 'content' with our life, He has to remind us, that 'contentment' is not what this life is about. 
We can't find comfort in worldly things, because life is always changing. He's the only one that stays the same. I really am not one to like change, or trying new things. But I have to learn to do so, because with this life, it's expected. I know that people will come and go, and things that matter now, might not matter in the years to come. I know that I'll be forgotten, and I'll forget. I know that the only thing that will stay with me, is Christ. If I want to be apart of His plan, I have to put aside my expectations in life, and what I want. I have to learn to not be selfish, and really trust that He has a better plan than mine. It's so easy to say, but the hard part is applying that. Well, that's my spiel on that. Take a leap of faith, and trust Him, and shut that voice up in your head with all the doubt. (Applying medicine to myself) Here we go, life of faith, here I come. 

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6-7 

"Humanity will fail you, Jesus won't. Humanity will forget you, Jesus won't. Humanity will leave you, Jesus won't. Humanity won't forgive you, Jesus will. Humanity won't love you, Jesus will. Humanity wouldn't die for you, but Jesus did."-Steven Khoshaba 


"There is nothing--no circumstance, no trouble, no testing--that can ever touch me until, first of all, it has gone past God and past Christ right through to me. If it has come that far, it has come with a great purpose, which I may not understand at the moment. But as I refuse to become panicky, as I lift up my eyes to Him and accept it as coming from the throne of God for some great purpose of blessing to my own heart, no sorrow will ever disturb me, no circumstance will cause me to fret, for I shall rest in the joy of what my Lord is--that is the rest of victory!"-Alan Redpath 

Beautiful? Yes, you are.

How much love can one person take, till they can't take anymore? I guess, never enough. I'm overwhelmed with how much I've been blessed. I once felt like my heart was in pieces, all over the place, and I would never get it all back. I, just like anyone else, doubt myself, and what I'm worth, and how much I can really do. Truth is, I can't do much. That's why I need Christ with me, because together great things can be done. He gives me the strength to get up every morning. He gives me the hope that everything will be okay. Unlike people, He's stayed faithful to me, and has already worked miracles in my life. NEVER GIVE UP! Just because you may feel like you're not the smartest kid, or the best looking, or the richest, that's all bologna. You can do anything my friend. If you ever feel alone, unloved, or like "you're not enough" I assure you that's not true. We can all do great things. All you have to do is believe. This love I receive, I don't feel like I deserve. But because I have been granted such an amazing treasure, I want to share it with the world. Go out of your way, and remind someone how important they are. Everyone needs encouragement. When is the last time you told your mother how much she means to you? Tell a friend you love them. If you see someone down, or complaining, try to cheer them up! You'd be surprised how much joy you'll get in return. You can save lives by just a single smile. You don't have to go to the other side of the world to change it,  just go outside of your front door. It's the little things, that make a big difference. Remember, you're beautiful, you're amazing, and you can do ANYTHING! 
♥

My December

The snow is breathtaking. Sure it causes havoc, is messy and is annoying to drive in, but it sure is beautiful.  This year we're not going all out for Christmas. I've kind of gotten tired of the whole candied version of Christmas our nation demonstrates each year. Kids grow up thinking it's all about presents, and Santa Claus, and these shallow lies. It's the birthday of the Son of God, and we celebrate by buying ourselves gifts?  That's a little funky. There is nothing wrong with giving to your loved one's, and just embracing each others presence on such a day. But when the main focus becomes greediness, selfishness and cheating to get what we want, that's just not right. I want to step back and look at it for what it really is. It's a celebration, and I will celebrate. Not with buying myself tons of presents, and signing about deer and Santa; instead I will praise my Father in Heaven for all He's done for me. As I stare at the crystals falling from the sky, and see them peacefully rest on the ground, I think of how God picked where that exact snowflake would fall. Just like He picked where I am today. Each season has it's own authentic beauty. I want to appreciate everything for what it is. The nightmare is over, I've woken up to safety. Now, it's time to celebrate, and I have a lot to celebrate.

Devo

Hello friends. This post is going to be a little different. I thought instead of writing what I think and feel, I'm going to share something I read today, that I think is worth sharing. It's from a daily devotional called "Jesus Calling," by Sarah Young. It's all taken from scripture, and broken down into a few paragraphs of Christ talking to us, in the most relevant way. I especially loved this one, because we often do try to control our lives, and always want to "feel safe." The only security comes from Him. Well here it is...
December 10
MAKE ME THE FOCAL POINT of your search for security. In your private thoughts, you are still trying to order your world so that it is predictable and feels safe. Not only is this an impossible goal, but it is also counterproductive to spiritual growth. When your private world feels unsteady and you grip My hand for support, you are living in conscious dependence of Me.
Instead of yearning for a problem-free life, rejoice that trouble can highlight your awareness of My presence. In the darkness of adversity, you are able to see more clearly the radiance of My Face. Accept the value of problems in this life, considering them pure joy. Remember that you have an eternity of trouble-free living awaiting you in heaven.
Isaiah 41:10; Psalm 139:10; James 1:2

The Serenity Prayer

My recent blog entries have been somewhat dark and sad, so I thought I'd brighten the mood, and write about the good going on. So much has gone on in my heart and mind, that I haven't even been able to keep up with the changes occurring inside me. I'm growing faster than I can comprehend, and God is teaching me so much. The biggest lesson I'm facing is learning to take things slowly. I usually want to understand everything, and fast forward to when I am "grown up." I'm learning that it's time that brings wisdom, it's experiences that bring understanding, and it's Christ that brings healing. The "Serenity Prayer," is something I love to recite, because it is so true. We have to learn to accept what we can't change, and be willing to change what we can. If I were to look back a year ago, I would have never thought that this is where I'd be. This wasn't my plan, it was His. His plan is turning out to be the greatest thing I could ever imagine, and I'm so thankful to be apart of it. My dreams, my outlooks, my life circumstances may change, but the consistency of His faithfulness and love is always the same. I've maintained, and hope to someday master the ability to be aware of His presence in my heart, all day, every day. He gives peace. Something I long for all the time. He's blessed me with people I hold so closely to my heart. I've been trampled on, used, hurt and betrayed by people I once trusted dearly. I allowed myself to be hurt, and He watched and waited for me to come to Him. He showed me what real friendship, and championship is. I used to think that the only way to guard my heart was to block everyone out. But I know that's not true anymore. I used to think that I wasn't normal for feeling empty and confused all the time. But I learned that I was built that way, so that I would go to Christ for the answers, rather than what my instincts tell me to do. I've learned not to judge one by their outward appearance, or what they tell the world they are, and look deep into their hearts. I've learned that purity not only is of the flesh, but in the heart as well. I've learned that He does love me, when I thought it was impossible to be loved. No wonder Solomon was so honored by God, for all He wanted was wisdom. I'm learning that wisdom truly is a great treasure, when it's given by Christ himself. I really am a new person. All thanks to my Father.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Broken Mirror

It's a mystery how life works. I had a big mirror in front of me for the longest time. It reflected everything the world told me I was, and who I should be. This past Summer, a huge portion was shattered. All that was left was the tiny pieces on the edges. The last piece has just fallen off. Now, there is nothing holding me back from totally walking freely. I couldn't have done this without the grace of the Lord with me. His hand holding mine tightly, each day as I walk through life, learning, seeking and finding. But in my game of hide and seek, I'm finding all the things I had put to rest a while ago. Memories of my childhood...Of the "innocent" days. I always wished I could just go back. But now I see it differently. These times, these experiences, these people, are shaping me up into someone I never thought I could be. I'm so thankful for everyone in my life right now. God has placed them all for a specific purpose. Things that once mattered, and once meant everything to me, no longer have a grip on me. It's part of our instincts to want to fix every situation and problem that comes in our view. But take it to God, for He can do so much more than we can. He sees deeper than the shallow end of our conscience. He sees the inner struggles we face. He sees everything. It's okay to suffer an entire night, as long as we look forward to a morning of gratefulness and joy. These pains, these trials we endure, are the reminders to not stray, and look to Him at all times. A friend told me to listen to the song Innocent, by Taylor Swift. I'll tell ya, that girl sure knows how to relate to so many out there. It's never too late to start over. So, now that my new chapter has begun, it's good to know that I've finally come at peace that I can't fix everything on my own. I'll leave it to God to make something beautiful, out of complete chaos.

Taylor Swift "Innocent" Lyrics

I guess you really did it this time

Left yourself in your warpath
Lost your balance on a tightrope
Lost your mind tryin’ to get it back

Wasn’t it easier in your lunchbox days?
Always a bigger bed to crawl into
Wasn’t it beautiful when you believed in everything?
And everybody believed in you?

It’s all right, just wait and see
Your string of lights is still bright to me
Oh, who you are is not what you’ve been
You’re still an innocent
You’re still an innocent

Did some things you can’t speak of
But tonight you’ll live it all again
You wouldn’t be shattered on the floor now
If only you had seen what you know now then

Wasn’t it easier in your firefly-catchin’ days?
And everything out of reach, someone bigger brought down to you
Wasn’t it beautiful runnin’ wild ’til you fell asleep?
Before the monsters caught up to you?

It’s all right, just wait and see
Your string of lights is still bright to me
Oh, who you are is not what you’ve been
You’re still an innocent

It’s okay, life is a tough crowd
32, and still growin’ up now
Who you are is not what you did
You’re still an innocent

Time turns flames to embers
You’ll have new Septembers
Every one of us has messed up too

Lives change like the weather
I hope you remember
Today is never to late to
Be brand new

It’s all right, just wait and see
Your string of lights are still bright to me
Oh, who you are is not where you’ve been
You’re still an innocent

It’s okay, life is a tough crowd
32, and still growin’ up now
Who you are is not what you did
You’re still an innocent
You’re still an innocent

Lost your balance on a tightrope
It’s never too late to get it back

A New Chapter

It's time for a new beginning. Out with the old and in with the new. My past is gone, and it will never replay itself. I can't go back in time, and I can't change anything. Coming to realize this fact is true, I've been able to finally move forward to the next chapter. So I turn the page of old, and get my pen ready, because it's time for something fresh. After the Thirsty retreat, I've really felt like I need to start over, and that's exactly what I'm doing. I poured out my weaknesses and guilt, and even though I had known God forgave me a long time ago, I wasn't ready to forgive myself. I know in a lot of things we must forget to forgive. But in some things, we may forgive, but we can't forget. I don't think I'll ever forget the pain I once held deep within. It must be used as a constant reminder of what straying away feels like. Each time I feel the sting of the past, I get my comfort right away from God, and everything is okay. So I took advantage of that opportunity to pour my heart out at the foot of the cross, and now I have nothing holding me back from totally pursuing my Creator. It's a wonderful feeling. I often sit in my bed now and just cry tears of joy. I'm so thankful, and I'm not ashamed to say it. I'll shout it out to the world, and let it be known of my rescue and how great God is to me, and all who follow His path. I'll never achieve perfection, and I don't aspire to. This love, this fire can easily die out if I don't maintain it. I don't think I can go a day without talking to Him. I have so much ahead of me, and I no longer want to think too much into the future; I just want to focus on what He was for me today. Don't lose sight of the opportunities given everyday.

 I used to always wonder and daydream, and there's nothing wrong with that. But when it starts to determine your daily decisions, and how you feel, it has to be taken care of. I want to live each day with eternal gratefulness. I never want to lose this closeness. People come and go, but my Father Christ is always by my side. I want people to see that joy I have, given by Him. I read a poem recently that really made me think, and just be taken away by the way things can turn out when we let Jesus take the wheel. The poem was written in the perspective of Christ talking to His children about finding true love. I fell in love with it, and it all makes perfect sense. Until we are totally and completely satisfied and in love with Him, will He allow us to experience the "Perfect Love" He has planned for us. To be honest, I totally believe that we are meant for one person. That destiny does exist. I also believe that we often ruin the plan, and the pathway to that person when making our thoughtless decisions, and fall for temptation. We rush too quickly at the first sight of "possible" love, and lose the chances of "real" love. I mean, I don't know what is good for me, and what is out there. So I'll let Him bring the right one to me. In the right time. For now, I have other things to worry about. Like what I can do in my day and age to spread the great news. Yeah, newness is in the air, and it's bringing with it a sweet fragrance.

The Perfect Love

(author unknown)

Everyone longs to give themselves completely to someone to have a

deep soul relationship with another to be loved thoroughly and

exclusively. But God, to a Christian says:

"No, not until you are satisfied, fulfilled and content with being loved

by Me alone -- with giving yourself totally and unreservedly to me --

with having an intensely personal and unique relationship

with Me alone. Discovering that only in Me is your satisfaction

to be found, will you be capable of the perfect human relationship

that I have planned for you. You will never be united with another,

until you are united with Me -- exclusive of anyone or anything else,

exclusive of any other desires or longings. I want you to stop planning,

stop wishing, and allow Me to give you the most thrilling plan existing --

one that you cannot imagine. I want you to have the best. Please allow

Me to bring it to you. You just keep watching Me, expecting the greatest

things -- keep experiencing the satisfaction that I am. Keep listening and

learning the things I tell you.

You just wait.

That's all.

"Don't be anxious. Don't worry. Don't look around at the things others

have gotten or that I have given them. Don't look at the things you think

you want. You just keep looking off and away up to Me, or you'll miss

what I want to show you."

"And then, when you're ready, I'll surprise you with a love far more

wonderful than any you would dream of. You see, until you're ready

and until the one I have for you is ready, until both of you are satisfied

exclusively with Me and the life I prepared for you, you won't be able to

experience the love that exemplifies your relationship with Me, and this

is the perfect love.

Tears of Love

"There are days when one feels no love. When your efforts have been put to waste, and all that's left is a bitter taste. When all of them have gone astray, You my Father guide the way. I hate to say I only come when in need, but that's just apart of my human greed. I seek out the wrong, and pretend to be strong. I fake out a smile, and wait a while. They have failed me, and I have failed myself. I wanted to shine, but I shadowed instead, the scene plays over when I lay in my bed. This ache and pain, so real and deep, haunts my dreams so I can't sleep. I've wore out this welcome, and my name is now known. I sit in my presence, I'm with them, yet I'm all alone. My voice is silent, but my soul is screaming. I'm living life, when I want to be dreaming. I've clouded the view of a long time ago, and made sure that no one would know. I've loved and lost, and paid the cost. Death is inviting, as life is enlightening, the battle to live is what we're constantly fighting. Why did he leave us all behind? These are the answers I'm trying to find. I'm broken and sad, and this is kind of a cliche story, but somehow my Father, you will receive all the glory. Until Your plan has taken place, I will move forward and wipe the tears off my face. I pray that this burden will soon go away, so I can stand tall and face the day. You make me strong and I have no doubt, these are the reasons I praise and shout. Amen."- November 8, 2010 


That was my prayer about the burden I carried. I needed to be waken up from this nightmare of constant pain and doubt. I sealed shut my emotions, and thought that by doing so they had evaporated. You may be able to fool them into thinking you're okay, but God see's right through your plastered smile. At the Thirsty Retreat this year, we were given the opportunity to pour out our sins and burdens in the form of a water bottle, at the foot of the cross. I had never felt so broken and in need of inner peace. I was screaming in my soul, begging for the feeling of freedom, and the weight being lifted off of me. I'm not ashamed anymore of crying, for crying reflects true emotion. And as we poured the water out of those bottles, I let go of my guilt, and shame. As much as the water represented what God was doing in releasing me of my sins, it was the tears that made me feel like I had been cleansed. The tears that had built up from anger, sadness, turmoil, fear, it was time to let go of all of them. It never felt so good to cry. With two of my sisters holding me tightly, a Savior answering my prayer right in front of me, and two hundred other souls all around me that had all come together for this one moment, I realized God knew what He was doing when He let me go through everything. This release we hunger for, this love that we strive for, this forgiveness we can't find anywhere else. That's why this is amazing, and great things are happening in the hearts of adolescents all over. I know I'm here to contribute to the Kingdom, and I will do so till the end. My fellow friends, family, and random strangers, you too can be set free, and understand this indescribable feeling. All you have to do is believe. I am willing to be wild. I am willing to be whatever He wants me to be <3 Won't you too? 


The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
Psalm 34:18

Her Name Is LIGHTS

I usually don't obsess over things, quite like I did over her. Lights is a synth pop/acoustic musician. She plays the keyboard, electric and acoustic guitar, a keytar and her killer vocals. You either love, or hate her music. It's not your typical radio junk. It has it's own rhythm, and puts you in a fantasy world for the most part. She doesn't sing about lovey dovey stuff, or the typical "girl pop" music. She's a hardcore gamer, and most of her music shows that. Lights is in love with Superwoman, and stands for being a strong independent lady. Now, the first time I heard Lights was way back when when MySpace was popular. Since then, I was hooked. I'm said to look somewhat like her, but I think it's just the hair. Either way, I love her. I went to her concert November 6th, with my bro, and met up with some more diehard Lights fans. I have been to quite a few concerts, some big, some small, but this one outshines all of them. We stood as close to the stage as possible. The eagle Theater isn't that big, so it was easier to get close. She sure knows how to put on a show. Ironically, the lighting was amazing. She is so musically talented, and really connected with the audience. Each song was well done, and sounded so much better live, then on the CD. Our goal was to meet her. It didn't matter what it would take, we were going to meet her. So, right after her amazing finale, we went out to her bus, and stood in the freezing cold, along with about a hundred others. We decided to suck up to the head security guard, and we won ourselves the front of the line. I guess it pays off to be nice.

When she came out, I seriously was the most excited person on earth. These were the exact words I said, "Hey, can you sign this? I'm actually from Canada too!" Lights- "Oh really? Where in?" Me- "Toronto" Lights- "Cool! So now you live here?" Me- "Yup, and I love you." She smiled, and we took our picture, as my friends yelled "twins!" We both looked at each other in the eyes, I could tell she wanted to see if I really looked like her. It was funny. I thought my life was complete, UNTIL the worst thing possible could have happened. My camera hadn't taken the picture because the battery ran out. So, all the girls I was with got a picture, as for me, NO! I was about to cry, when my awesome brother said we'd wait in line again. So I did. I told her my battery died, she laughed said we're awesome, and snap, problem solved. I couldn't have asked for a better day. I feel so lame for typing this, but I honestly will never forget this night, and I recommend you to go to one of her shows. She shines! <3

No Love

There are days when one feels no love. When your efforts have been put to waste, and all that's left is a bitter taste. When all of them have gone astray, You my Father guide the way. I hate to say I only come when in need, but that's just apart of my human greed. I seek out the wrong, and pretend to be strong. I fake out a smile, and wait a while. They have failed me, and I have failed myself. I wanted to shine, but I shadowed instead, the scene plays over when I lay in my bed. This ache and pain, so real and deep, haunts my dreams so I can't sleep. I've wore out this welcome, and my name is now known. I sit in my presence, I'm with them, yet I'm all alone. My voice is silent, but my soul is screaming. I'm living life, when I want to be dreaming. I've clouded the view of a long time ago, and made sure that no one would know. I've loved and lost, and paid the cost. Death is inviting, as life is enlightening, the battle to live is what we're constantly fighting. Why did he leave us all behind? These are the answers I'm trying to find. I'm broken and sad, and this is kind of a cliche story, but somehow my Father, you will receive all the glory. Until Your plan has taken place, I will move forward and wipe the tears off my face. I pray that this burden will soon go away, so I can stand tall and face the day. You make me strong and I have no doubt, these are the reasons I praise and shout. I love you. Amen. 


May God be gracious to us and bless us, and make His face shine on us, so that Your ways may be known on earth, Your salvation among all nations. 
Psalm 67:1-2