Broken Mirror

It's a mystery how life works. I had a big mirror in front of me for the longest time. It reflected everything the world told me I was, and who I should be. This past Summer, a huge portion was shattered. All that was left was the tiny pieces on the edges. The last piece has just fallen off. Now, there is nothing holding me back from totally walking freely. I couldn't have done this without the grace of the Lord with me. His hand holding mine tightly, each day as I walk through life, learning, seeking and finding. But in my game of hide and seek, I'm finding all the things I had put to rest a while ago. Memories of my childhood...Of the "innocent" days. I always wished I could just go back. But now I see it differently. These times, these experiences, these people, are shaping me up into someone I never thought I could be. I'm so thankful for everyone in my life right now. God has placed them all for a specific purpose. Things that once mattered, and once meant everything to me, no longer have a grip on me. It's part of our instincts to want to fix every situation and problem that comes in our view. But take it to God, for He can do so much more than we can. He sees deeper than the shallow end of our conscience. He sees the inner struggles we face. He sees everything. It's okay to suffer an entire night, as long as we look forward to a morning of gratefulness and joy. These pains, these trials we endure, are the reminders to not stray, and look to Him at all times. A friend told me to listen to the song Innocent, by Taylor Swift. I'll tell ya, that girl sure knows how to relate to so many out there. It's never too late to start over. So, now that my new chapter has begun, it's good to know that I've finally come at peace that I can't fix everything on my own. I'll leave it to God to make something beautiful, out of complete chaos.

Taylor Swift "Innocent" Lyrics

I guess you really did it this time

Left yourself in your warpath
Lost your balance on a tightrope
Lost your mind tryin’ to get it back

Wasn’t it easier in your lunchbox days?
Always a bigger bed to crawl into
Wasn’t it beautiful when you believed in everything?
And everybody believed in you?

It’s all right, just wait and see
Your string of lights is still bright to me
Oh, who you are is not what you’ve been
You’re still an innocent
You’re still an innocent

Did some things you can’t speak of
But tonight you’ll live it all again
You wouldn’t be shattered on the floor now
If only you had seen what you know now then

Wasn’t it easier in your firefly-catchin’ days?
And everything out of reach, someone bigger brought down to you
Wasn’t it beautiful runnin’ wild ’til you fell asleep?
Before the monsters caught up to you?

It’s all right, just wait and see
Your string of lights is still bright to me
Oh, who you are is not what you’ve been
You’re still an innocent

It’s okay, life is a tough crowd
32, and still growin’ up now
Who you are is not what you did
You’re still an innocent

Time turns flames to embers
You’ll have new Septembers
Every one of us has messed up too

Lives change like the weather
I hope you remember
Today is never to late to
Be brand new

It’s all right, just wait and see
Your string of lights are still bright to me
Oh, who you are is not where you’ve been
You’re still an innocent

It’s okay, life is a tough crowd
32, and still growin’ up now
Who you are is not what you did
You’re still an innocent
You’re still an innocent

Lost your balance on a tightrope
It’s never too late to get it back

A New Chapter

It's time for a new beginning. Out with the old and in with the new. My past is gone, and it will never replay itself. I can't go back in time, and I can't change anything. Coming to realize this fact is true, I've been able to finally move forward to the next chapter. So I turn the page of old, and get my pen ready, because it's time for something fresh. After the Thirsty retreat, I've really felt like I need to start over, and that's exactly what I'm doing. I poured out my weaknesses and guilt, and even though I had known God forgave me a long time ago, I wasn't ready to forgive myself. I know in a lot of things we must forget to forgive. But in some things, we may forgive, but we can't forget. I don't think I'll ever forget the pain I once held deep within. It must be used as a constant reminder of what straying away feels like. Each time I feel the sting of the past, I get my comfort right away from God, and everything is okay. So I took advantage of that opportunity to pour my heart out at the foot of the cross, and now I have nothing holding me back from totally pursuing my Creator. It's a wonderful feeling. I often sit in my bed now and just cry tears of joy. I'm so thankful, and I'm not ashamed to say it. I'll shout it out to the world, and let it be known of my rescue and how great God is to me, and all who follow His path. I'll never achieve perfection, and I don't aspire to. This love, this fire can easily die out if I don't maintain it. I don't think I can go a day without talking to Him. I have so much ahead of me, and I no longer want to think too much into the future; I just want to focus on what He was for me today. Don't lose sight of the opportunities given everyday.

 I used to always wonder and daydream, and there's nothing wrong with that. But when it starts to determine your daily decisions, and how you feel, it has to be taken care of. I want to live each day with eternal gratefulness. I never want to lose this closeness. People come and go, but my Father Christ is always by my side. I want people to see that joy I have, given by Him. I read a poem recently that really made me think, and just be taken away by the way things can turn out when we let Jesus take the wheel. The poem was written in the perspective of Christ talking to His children about finding true love. I fell in love with it, and it all makes perfect sense. Until we are totally and completely satisfied and in love with Him, will He allow us to experience the "Perfect Love" He has planned for us. To be honest, I totally believe that we are meant for one person. That destiny does exist. I also believe that we often ruin the plan, and the pathway to that person when making our thoughtless decisions, and fall for temptation. We rush too quickly at the first sight of "possible" love, and lose the chances of "real" love. I mean, I don't know what is good for me, and what is out there. So I'll let Him bring the right one to me. In the right time. For now, I have other things to worry about. Like what I can do in my day and age to spread the great news. Yeah, newness is in the air, and it's bringing with it a sweet fragrance.

The Perfect Love

(author unknown)

Everyone longs to give themselves completely to someone to have a

deep soul relationship with another to be loved thoroughly and

exclusively. But God, to a Christian says:

"No, not until you are satisfied, fulfilled and content with being loved

by Me alone -- with giving yourself totally and unreservedly to me --

with having an intensely personal and unique relationship

with Me alone. Discovering that only in Me is your satisfaction

to be found, will you be capable of the perfect human relationship

that I have planned for you. You will never be united with another,

until you are united with Me -- exclusive of anyone or anything else,

exclusive of any other desires or longings. I want you to stop planning,

stop wishing, and allow Me to give you the most thrilling plan existing --

one that you cannot imagine. I want you to have the best. Please allow

Me to bring it to you. You just keep watching Me, expecting the greatest

things -- keep experiencing the satisfaction that I am. Keep listening and

learning the things I tell you.

You just wait.

That's all.

"Don't be anxious. Don't worry. Don't look around at the things others

have gotten or that I have given them. Don't look at the things you think

you want. You just keep looking off and away up to Me, or you'll miss

what I want to show you."

"And then, when you're ready, I'll surprise you with a love far more

wonderful than any you would dream of. You see, until you're ready

and until the one I have for you is ready, until both of you are satisfied

exclusively with Me and the life I prepared for you, you won't be able to

experience the love that exemplifies your relationship with Me, and this

is the perfect love.

Tears of Love

"There are days when one feels no love. When your efforts have been put to waste, and all that's left is a bitter taste. When all of them have gone astray, You my Father guide the way. I hate to say I only come when in need, but that's just apart of my human greed. I seek out the wrong, and pretend to be strong. I fake out a smile, and wait a while. They have failed me, and I have failed myself. I wanted to shine, but I shadowed instead, the scene plays over when I lay in my bed. This ache and pain, so real and deep, haunts my dreams so I can't sleep. I've wore out this welcome, and my name is now known. I sit in my presence, I'm with them, yet I'm all alone. My voice is silent, but my soul is screaming. I'm living life, when I want to be dreaming. I've clouded the view of a long time ago, and made sure that no one would know. I've loved and lost, and paid the cost. Death is inviting, as life is enlightening, the battle to live is what we're constantly fighting. Why did he leave us all behind? These are the answers I'm trying to find. I'm broken and sad, and this is kind of a cliche story, but somehow my Father, you will receive all the glory. Until Your plan has taken place, I will move forward and wipe the tears off my face. I pray that this burden will soon go away, so I can stand tall and face the day. You make me strong and I have no doubt, these are the reasons I praise and shout. Amen."- November 8, 2010 


That was my prayer about the burden I carried. I needed to be waken up from this nightmare of constant pain and doubt. I sealed shut my emotions, and thought that by doing so they had evaporated. You may be able to fool them into thinking you're okay, but God see's right through your plastered smile. At the Thirsty Retreat this year, we were given the opportunity to pour out our sins and burdens in the form of a water bottle, at the foot of the cross. I had never felt so broken and in need of inner peace. I was screaming in my soul, begging for the feeling of freedom, and the weight being lifted off of me. I'm not ashamed anymore of crying, for crying reflects true emotion. And as we poured the water out of those bottles, I let go of my guilt, and shame. As much as the water represented what God was doing in releasing me of my sins, it was the tears that made me feel like I had been cleansed. The tears that had built up from anger, sadness, turmoil, fear, it was time to let go of all of them. It never felt so good to cry. With two of my sisters holding me tightly, a Savior answering my prayer right in front of me, and two hundred other souls all around me that had all come together for this one moment, I realized God knew what He was doing when He let me go through everything. This release we hunger for, this love that we strive for, this forgiveness we can't find anywhere else. That's why this is amazing, and great things are happening in the hearts of adolescents all over. I know I'm here to contribute to the Kingdom, and I will do so till the end. My fellow friends, family, and random strangers, you too can be set free, and understand this indescribable feeling. All you have to do is believe. I am willing to be wild. I am willing to be whatever He wants me to be <3 Won't you too? 


The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
Psalm 34:18

Her Name Is LIGHTS

I usually don't obsess over things, quite like I did over her. Lights is a synth pop/acoustic musician. She plays the keyboard, electric and acoustic guitar, a keytar and her killer vocals. You either love, or hate her music. It's not your typical radio junk. It has it's own rhythm, and puts you in a fantasy world for the most part. She doesn't sing about lovey dovey stuff, or the typical "girl pop" music. She's a hardcore gamer, and most of her music shows that. Lights is in love with Superwoman, and stands for being a strong independent lady. Now, the first time I heard Lights was way back when when MySpace was popular. Since then, I was hooked. I'm said to look somewhat like her, but I think it's just the hair. Either way, I love her. I went to her concert November 6th, with my bro, and met up with some more diehard Lights fans. I have been to quite a few concerts, some big, some small, but this one outshines all of them. We stood as close to the stage as possible. The eagle Theater isn't that big, so it was easier to get close. She sure knows how to put on a show. Ironically, the lighting was amazing. She is so musically talented, and really connected with the audience. Each song was well done, and sounded so much better live, then on the CD. Our goal was to meet her. It didn't matter what it would take, we were going to meet her. So, right after her amazing finale, we went out to her bus, and stood in the freezing cold, along with about a hundred others. We decided to suck up to the head security guard, and we won ourselves the front of the line. I guess it pays off to be nice.

When she came out, I seriously was the most excited person on earth. These were the exact words I said, "Hey, can you sign this? I'm actually from Canada too!" Lights- "Oh really? Where in?" Me- "Toronto" Lights- "Cool! So now you live here?" Me- "Yup, and I love you." She smiled, and we took our picture, as my friends yelled "twins!" We both looked at each other in the eyes, I could tell she wanted to see if I really looked like her. It was funny. I thought my life was complete, UNTIL the worst thing possible could have happened. My camera hadn't taken the picture because the battery ran out. So, all the girls I was with got a picture, as for me, NO! I was about to cry, when my awesome brother said we'd wait in line again. So I did. I told her my battery died, she laughed said we're awesome, and snap, problem solved. I couldn't have asked for a better day. I feel so lame for typing this, but I honestly will never forget this night, and I recommend you to go to one of her shows. She shines! <3

No Love

There are days when one feels no love. When your efforts have been put to waste, and all that's left is a bitter taste. When all of them have gone astray, You my Father guide the way. I hate to say I only come when in need, but that's just apart of my human greed. I seek out the wrong, and pretend to be strong. I fake out a smile, and wait a while. They have failed me, and I have failed myself. I wanted to shine, but I shadowed instead, the scene plays over when I lay in my bed. This ache and pain, so real and deep, haunts my dreams so I can't sleep. I've wore out this welcome, and my name is now known. I sit in my presence, I'm with them, yet I'm all alone. My voice is silent, but my soul is screaming. I'm living life, when I want to be dreaming. I've clouded the view of a long time ago, and made sure that no one would know. I've loved and lost, and paid the cost. Death is inviting, as life is enlightening, the battle to live is what we're constantly fighting. Why did he leave us all behind? These are the answers I'm trying to find. I'm broken and sad, and this is kind of a cliche story, but somehow my Father, you will receive all the glory. Until Your plan has taken place, I will move forward and wipe the tears off my face. I pray that this burden will soon go away, so I can stand tall and face the day. You make me strong and I have no doubt, these are the reasons I praise and shout. I love you. Amen. 


May God be gracious to us and bless us, and make His face shine on us, so that Your ways may be known on earth, Your salvation among all nations. 
Psalm 67:1-2 

Freaks With a Purpose

Hello reader. If you are reading this, well it's flattering that you find interest in what I think. Or you're just really bored, and somehow creeped enough to land on my page. Either way, I'm happy you are taking the time to read this. It's pretty cool what God can do with our lives. I'll just be walking along minding my own biz, when all of the sudden "BAM!" He surprises me, yet again, with His pure awesomeness. Yea, people think we're Jesus freaks. Honestly, I can't help it. They are blind, but He makes them see, and once you see, you have accomplished faith. Congratulations! It's not hard to get what I'm saying. You just ask Him into your heart, and the beauty starts from there. He mends the brokenness, and gives you understanding. Pretty cool stuff. It gives us reason to live. We learn the value of genuine love. In my walk, I've stumbled, fell on my face, and He picked me up. Each time I got up, I was a little stronger. I've seen people stray, people hate and people scold this whole "Christianity" thing. It's not a religion, but more so a way of life. When they question God, why there is evil in the world, hate, famine, death? I admit, I sometimes stutter and stumble in my tracks. Although these answers come natural to me, I can never find the right words to express what I'm thinking. Yea, all that stuff exists because of sin. It was our choice from the beginning of time to go against Him. Now He's given us the choice to follow Him or the world. The answers are there. If you're one of those die hard "give me the answer now!" types of people, well you won't get far in life with that mentality. You need to be open with your mind. Leave room for believing in the impossible, and seeking the unlikely. Because those are the things that will change your life, and give you purpose. Not science. God created science, and people use it against Him! They don't want to believe that such love exists, because they're so hardened to believe that nothing like that exists. I may look like a ditz to them, but hey that's persecution for you. I like to read this book, written by like these beyond amazing authors, called The Bible, maybe you heard of it? Anyways, it's straight up some pretty legit literature. If you actually read it, it will tell you all. People have told me, "Oh, all the bible says is we're going to go to hell, and blah blah blah..." I was like "uh, is that all you read from it?" The bible is filled with answers, love, and stories. I mean, we are all created with intricate design, and have meaning. How can you doubt that there is a greater good, a creator, when you step back and look at all this creation? The big bang can't create emotions and designs? So you believe in all the science mumbo jumbo, cool, what now? With the mind set, I have no reason to believe in anything. Have any morals, or consume any real love. Christ portrays love over and over to us. He gives us hope. Would I speak so passionately about this if I didn't truly 100% believe that it is indeed real stuff? But who am I right? Just a sixteen year old girl, with nothing but fantasies in her brain, and a really misled faith. I beg to differ. "Wake up Stephanie!" Oh, but I'm wide awake, trust me.  In your eyes I'm a dreamer. In His, I'm a believer. He'll come back for me, and all else who took part in the battle. I'll take that to the grave, and you can take your philosophies and doubts. Have a nice pointless life, I'll be making purpose. 

"'If you can'?" said Jesus. "Everything is possible for him who believes."

Mark 9:23

Believe me when I say that I am in the Father and the Father is in me; or at least believe on the evidence of the miracles themselves. I tell you the truth, anyone who has faith in me will do what I have been doing. He will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father.
John 14:11-12

Sassy

"It's okay to be sassy."- Hannah Lawson. Teenage girls are notorious for bringing their sass on. Why is it that we do so? It's simple. We want people to see how we feel, and grab their attention. Even if we don't admit it. There's always the people who sass it up, just because they think it's fun too. The way we present ourselves in speech, body language and vocabulary choices, are all reflections of our inner souls. For so long I felt the need to be strong, and not admit to needing anyone, or anything. I felt obligated to make people think I'm some perfect little superwoman, that knows it all. Who was I fooling? I know nothing. I am far from perfect, and I need a shoulder to cry on just as much as the next person. Bottling things up leaves you bloated with emotions our bodies were not meant to handle all at once. And when I started to be "sassy" it got me thinking, well maybe this is my way of saying, "hey, I'm no sweetheart, now give me a hug." It sure isn't probably the most wise way of expressing ourselves, but it gets the point across. I went to a couple friends, and just laid it out raw. No more being fake, no more Mr. Nice girl. We need to be real. We need to help one another grow. I've always been there for my friends, but never let my friends be there for me. God helps a lot. He gives you strength, love, courage and so much more. But He also gave us humans, companions, because we need one another. So when you think you know it all, that you can do it all on your own, newsflash...You can't. And that's okay. In my journey, I'm finding it's okay to be a mess. It's okay to feel broken. It's okay to feel lonely. But it's not okay to pretend like it's all okay. Be real. Be sassy. Be you.

The Holy Spirit bears us up in our weaknesses.

Romans 8:26 

The Caged Bird Sings

Tell me, what's worse? Being a caged bird, or chained down to the ground? To be honest they both suck. Either way, they metaphorically stand for something. Is it worse to be chained down by your sins, or forbidden to fly free? To feel trapped, or to feel hopeless? The cage has a key, and so does the chain. For some reason, no one seems to open it. Almost like we're meant to be stuck. They don't trust us with freedom. But what is freedom if it leaves you with many chains binding you to the ground? Trick question.  We're never satisfied. We only want more, and once we get more, it's only more we want. If you eat too much candy, you'll just get cavities, enjoyment that's not good for you = consequences. Same goes for sin. Enjoyment of what is not good for you = consequences. And while I hate to see a bird in a cage, and would love to see it fly, I hate to think of the danger beyond the metal wires. So we're being protected, out of love? And as I hate to see someone motionless in chains, they brought it upon themselves  to choose imprisonment. Punishment to learn a lesson? Love and Justice. So, I guess I don't know what's worse, or if they're even so awful at all. They're meant to be used for our benefits. Tough love. God can set them both free, yes. But in two alternate realms of reality, we still happen to be in the chains and cages one way or another. Whether it's wishing you could walk amongst the world with no shame, or walking in shame amongst the world, you have a burden to carry. Once you get what you want, you have to deal with the suffering that comes with it. And when you want something you don't have, you have to deal with the constant urges, and desires. So you see, both have quite a battle to endure. And it's all because something called sin. Something I guess we're stuck with until the end. In the end, I guess we'll be set free. Not just set free into a world of despair, but into perfection. New life, new body, new mind. That's the key. For now, I'll sing in my cage, and rattle my chains, the music of life is what makes it okay.


We have escaped like a bird from the fowler's snare; the snare has been broken, and we have escaped.
Psalm 124:7

Be Yourself

Did you know that you are an amazing being? That all your fears of believing the truth are what's holding you back from embracing what life has to offer. Insecurities, and lack of believing in ourselves causes us to become someone we're not. When I was in an atmosphere filled with lost ones, I didn't know who I was. I too was lost. It turned out the person I was portraying, was actually an imitation of a bundle of different people I aspired to be. Of course, that wasn't really what I wanted. It was just all I knew. When you seek out yourself, by inputing the influence of all that's around you, the results vary. You don't become content and  confident with who you are. Just safe. You're okay, because you're accepted. But who said our goal should be being accepted? I say, forget that theory, and let's face against the wind. Let's throw it back at them, because let's face it, life is short and I will not waste it trying to find who I am, where the maps have all the wrong directions. It's way more fun living in confidence, and believing in yourself, then wishing you could. But people often ask, how to get there? What needs to be done in order to feel that way? How can I ever be content with my past, or the way I look, or how much money I have? The answer is simple. You accept life for what it is, and find all the beauty in it. You smile, because smiling releases happy endorphins into your brain, bringing forth happiness. You build on forgiveness, and seek out the good in all situations. You throw away your weaknesses, and strengthen your gifts. And if you shoot for perfection, well, you'll be disappointed. But if you shoot for nothing but yourself, perfection is achieved. We were created to be the way we are. So, as you sit in that chair, bed, couch, in whatever article of clothing, with whatever hairdo, just know you are perfect. Maybe not in the worlds eyes, but in His you are. And if that's not enough for you, well consider yourself selfish. Why do we value the opinions of people anyways? It's not like they're the greatest creator of all time? My point being made, we must accept ourselves for who we are, before we can live. You're not living until you love yourself. Learn to love yourself, it's worth it, because you're worth it. 



Be strong, and let your heart take courage, all you who wait for the Lord!
Psalm 31:24